I try once a week to send all of my friends from my old job their horoscopes by the Onion because they are fun. This week, all of them made me laugh so I decided to post them here for everyone to see and share!
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 21
Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
Cancer
Jun 22 - Jul 22
The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo.
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.
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